Tottenham Hotspur Half-Term School Reports

It’s the Christmas holidays and before we know it 2010 will be upon us, so what better time to give our players their half term marks?

Well probably after the Fulham match to be honest, when we will have played exactly 19 games, but if you think that I’m going to be knocking out articles over Christmas then you’ve got another thing coming.

So line up lads whilst I put on my mortar board and bend my trusty cane. Here’s your school reports, which shall be read out in the order that you appear in the class register.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Started the term very brightly in his examination against Liverpool, but has struggled to keep up these high standards. One feels that Benoit is often day dreaming rather than paying attention to the job at hand.

The boy recently disgraced himself with an example of ill-discipline that we at Tottenham Hotspur would not tolerate a repeat of. He needs to knuckle down and apply himself when he returns from his field trip to Africa.

Result: C+

Gareth Bale

Young Master Bale is struggling to adapt to life at Tottenham Hotspur. Seems to be more suited to attacking studies, rather then defensive and perhaps should be looking at how he is going to get the best from his undoubted talent. Must do better.

Result: D+

Sebastien Bassong

Sebastien has settled in surprisingly well at Tottenham, especially when you consider the lower standards that he had been used to at his previous school. Mixes in with the other boys, whether he’s partnering King, Woodgate or Dawson in school projects. Will be missed when he takes his sojourn to Africa.

Result: B

David Bentley

Another disastrous term for the boy, who spends more time playing around with his hair than getting on with his work. Shamed the school by getting himself drunk, with disastrous consequences (especially for the lamppost).

It comes as no surprise then that Mr Redknapp is pushing for expulsion, if only we can find another school to take Bentley on.

Result: E-

Vedran Corluka

Not the quickest of boys, but makes up for this through hard work and a calm, methodical attitude. Always willing to pitch in when the likes of Masters Woodgate and King are absent, which he should be commended for, even if the results prove rather erratic.

Result: B-

Peter Crouch

A steady first term from the lad. He’s head and shoulders above everyone else in class, but sadly, I don’t mean in terms of his achievement or ability.

His natural height makes him stand out from the rest of the group and often encourages them to misbehave (though this is no fault of his own). A hard worker, who I’m looking forward to see achieve more during his second term.

Result: B-

Michael Dawson

A very pleasing term. It had looked as if Master Dawson was to remain in the shadows, behind more naturally gifted members of the class, but through hard work and determination the lad has been one of our most consistent performers.

It looks as if he’s finally matured and if he keeps up the good work, could eventually become our Head Boy.

Result: B+

Jermain Defoe

Defoe is one of our brightest and most exuberant pupils. He’s performed excellently so far and did wonderfully in his recent examination against Wigan, in which he received full marks.

Result: A-

Heurelho Gomes

Heurelho’s work is much improved this year and not suffering from the constant errors that dogged his efforts during his first term at Tottenham. He can still improve though and needs to pay more attention when our Headteacher Mr Redknapp gives his Distrubution lessons.

Result: B

Tom Huddlestone

A wonderfully talented boy, who we struggle to get working properly. Has progressed slowly this term (which seems to be the only pace at which Tom seems able to operate), but needs to assert himself fuller if he is ever to reach his full potential.

Result: C

Alan Hutton

Still struggling to fit in here and I’m beginning to wonder if Master Hutton really has what it takes to be a Tottenham boy. If he doesn’t prove his worth soon, it will clearly be in everyone’s best interests if he continues his studies at a different institution.

Was concerned to see his father turn up for parent’s evening covered in bruises. Is all well at home?

Result: D+

Jermaine Jenas

What can we say about Master Jenas that hasn’t already been said? The boy is an enigma. We all know that he has talent, but he will only use it sparingly.

Result: C-

Robbie Keane

It seems as if the disruption of Robbie’s decision to leave the class, only to change his mind some six months later, are still having an effect on his performances.

Master Keane’s role in the recent unauthorised Christmas party, have seen his position as Head Boy come under question. Unless he decides to buckle down, then he may find that he could be leaving this institution once more and this time it will be permanent.

Result: D+

Ledley King

Clearly the most able member of the school, but let down by his attendance record. Needs to get himself well and back in class, where his talents are such that they raise the results of others.

Becoming very good at swimming.

Result: C+

Niko Kranjcar

Niko has surprised many at Tottenham by possessing far more natural ability than we could ever have believed. We are pleased that he has finally found a place to study, where he has been able to fulfill his potential.

More of the same next term please.

Result: B+

Aaron Lennon

Top of the class! Having finally got the hang of his Crossing lessons, Master Lennon has had a wonderful first term. We hope that he can continue to progress during his second term and can be convinced that we have all the facilities and opportunities available to Aaron, for him to be able to continue with his studies at Tottenham.

Result: A

Luka Modric

Started the term brightly, but his results have suffered due to the amount of time absent. A popular fellow that we need to see much more of next term.

Result: C

Wilson Palacios

After a fantastic start to his at Tottenham, It’s fair to say that Wilson has been resting on his laurels somewhat and his been distracted by his excursions to Honduras.

Some of his work has been decidedly sloppy of late and he needs to buck up his ideas a little, next term. That said, Wilson still remains one of the better performers in class.

Result: B

Roman Pavlyuchenko
Roman has struggled to adapt to life at Tottenham and rather than knuckling down to hard work, has spent his time bellyaching.

Mr Redknapp is in agreement that Master Pavlyuchenko should find himself a new establishment at which to study, although we find Roman’s claims in regards to joining Mr Wenger’s French Finishing School, rather fanciful.

Result: E

Jonathan Woodgate

Some questions were raised when Jonathan was admitted to Tottenham, due to his poor attendance record. At first he answered these critics by being ever present, but of late he has slipped back into his old ways.

Needs to prove his fitness in the new year and prove his worth once more, as he clearly remains one of the our most able performers.

Result: C-