The Tottenham WAG XI

There are so many things to debate as a supporter of Tottenham. Will we make the Champions League? Are we going to be able to enjoy our third successive trip to Wembley? Why does Gomes writhe around in agony on every occasion that he collides with a member of the opposition?

I’m sure you’d agree though, that by far the biggest talking point for any Spurs fan, is this: Who would make it into a Tottenham WAG XI?

The rules are simple. The ladies in question must be either the current wife or girlfriend of a current Tottenham player and our team must form a proper football formation (Editor’s note: I’m not sure how easy this will be though, as defenders tend to be a lot uglier and just as importantly, are paid a lot less than those flashy forwards, so we might have to take some liberties).

Without any further ado, I give you the Tottenham WAG XI, in an attacking 3-5-2 formation.

Goalkeeper: Alessia Marcuzzi

It must have been some comfort to Carlo Cudicini to have been nursed by Alessia Marcuzzi, after breaking his crisp packet hands in a motorcycle accident. Alessia is a television presenter and actress who has fronted the Italian version of Big Brother.

Defender: Iva Buzov

Vedran Corluka is so committed to his girlfriend Iva Buzov that he has had her date of birth tattooed on his hand. If Jermain Defoe did that with all his women, then the tattooist would soon run out of available skin.

Defender: Natalie Downing

Jonathan Woodgate may be injured, but his other half is fit (see what I did there). Woodgate is dating the sister of his former Middlesbrough teammate Stewart Downing.

Defender: Danielle Lloyd

In a controversial move, I have decided to recall Danielle Lloyd from Portsmouth, back to her natural home that is the White Hart Lane dressing room – where she’s been on-loan round most of the players.

Danielle is now the fiance of Jamie O’Hara, who has been known to fill in at left back occasionally. It’s a drastic decision, but if there are pictures out there of the girlfriends of King, Dawson, Bassong, Hutton, Naughton, Walker, Kaboul, BAE or Bale, then they’ve all collectively forgot to tell Google. Anyway, I’ve got it on good authority, that like Jamie, Danielle is handy in a number of positions.

Midfielder: Ellie Penfold

The fiancee of our beloved midfielder Jermaine Jenas, Ellie Penfold is a cracking addition to the team. Not only is she very attractive, but if you were going out with her, you could have endless fun by making references to Danger Mouse. Here is a picture of Ellie looking nice and Jermaine looking like a bag of shite in ridiculous ripped jeans.

Midfielder: Simona Kranjcar

Niko’s missus is not your typical footballer’s wife. While the biggest achievement on the CV of your average WAG is a centre spread in Nuts, Simona Kranjcar has a degree in Economics.

Midfielder: Vanja Bosnic

What do you mean you don’t believe that Luka Modric has a girlfriend? Little Luka is currently dating Vanja Bosnic. Well, he is a genius in the box.

Midfielder: Kimberly Mills

Kimberly Mills is the girlfriend of David Bentley and quite possibly the mastermind behind his silly facial hair.

Midfielder: Montana Manning

A member of the popular beat-combo ‘Cookie’ (no, me neither), Montana Manning has been stepping out with our diminutive but sprightly, Aaron Lennon.

Striker: Larisa Pavlyuchenko

With Defoe currently birdless, I did consider recalling Claudine Keane from her loan to Celtic, but eventually plumped for Super Pav’s wife, Larisa Pavlyuchenko. Here is a snap of her posing for a calendar featuring Russian WAGs.

Striker: Abbie Clancy

Many Spurs fans complained that with our purchase of Peter Crouch we had recruited a second class striker. What they didn’t consider was that by buying Crouchie, we also got ourselves a world class WAG, in the form of Abbie Clancy.

Manager: Sandra Redknapp

Every team needs a manager and with Sandra providing the genes to make Jamie Redknapp not look like his dad, she is a natural choice to lead our side.

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