Nine games…810 momentous minutes (plus stoppage time) that could see us catapulted into the same giddy stratosphere as the elite of world football.

Harry wants 16 points from those remaining games, but can we do it? Can we finally shake off years of hurt and ignominy to reclaim our long lost place among football’s aristocracy, or, will our bottle go quicker than a wannabee WAG on WKD?

Gazing into a crystal ball specially purchased on eBay, here are my predictions for what lies ahead, as the boys make one last push to the summit of Mount Prem.

Stoke Away

Delap hurls ball after ball into our penalty area, Gomes flaps. Cue pandemonium. Stoke take the lead. Bale saves the day with a typical penetrating run into the penalty area and ‘dives’ ©Salgado. The referee buys it and points to the spot. Several Tottenham players hide behind the bigger Stoke lads in case Harry asks them to step up to the plate. One man does and scores. Super Pav!


Portsmouth Home

During the warm up, eagle-eyed Harry notices that the crop haired cockney wearing a shirt with Kanu on the back isn’t actually Kanu and reports the fact to the fourth official. The cockney with a crop insists he’s the 6ft 5in Nigerian, but after much deliberation, the referee agrees with Harry and our on-loan midfielder is banished to the stands.

Thankfully, Harry once managed Kanu at Portsmouth – otherwise Avram Grant’s cunning ploy might have worked…

Bereft of any genuine talent (since we asset stripped them) Pompey are no match for a rampant Tottenham and goals from Defoe, Crouch, Kranjcar and Kaboul prove you can buy class. The real Kanu scores a late consolation goal for Pompey but it’s mistakenly credited to Jamie O’Hara.


Sunderland Away

Having vowed to stop tweeting in order to concentrate on Sunderland’s relegation battle, Benty discovers a new form of social networking called Twatter. He’s very adept at it too, boasting to the three people following his twats how he’s going to prove he’s a better striker than Sandra.

Sadly for Dazza, Harry is proved right when Bent shockingly misses from one centimetre, sending the ball looping over the bar. Modric the magician bamboozles the Sunderland side with his silky skills and floppy haircut, laying on goals for Defoe and Pav.


Arsenal Home

Thus begins a ‘season defining’ period for Spurs. Our natural inferiority complex against the ‘Top Four’ kicks in and we stand and watch like mesmerised stoats as the Arse run rings round us for the first half an hour. Time after time, our defence is ripped to shreds by Arsenal’s intricate interplay. Fortunately in their quest to create le perfect goal (minimum 25 touches in the penalty area, must include at least three back heels and two dummies) the score remains nil all at half-time.

Harry lays into the lads during the break and they emerge from the tunnel pumped to the max. Andrey Arshaving promptly scores straight from the kick off with a scintillating run through our flatfooted defence. Harry’s post-football career as a motivational speaker lies in tatters.

A combination of profligate finishing and astonishing acrobatics from Gomes keeps the deficit at a single goal. Cometh the hour, cometh the man and the lion-heart of our team, Michael Dawson steps up for a corner in the 94th minute, rising majestically above Sol Campbell to nod the equaliser. Cue scenes of delirium amongst the faithful and complaints of a foul on Campbell by Mr Wenger.


Chelsea Home

According to a pundit on Talk Sport recently, John Terry is important for England because he ‘puts his head where other players won’t’. Now I have little desire to know the precise ins and outs of JT’s sexual peccadilloes, but isn’t that kind of behaviour likely to cause friction with his team mates?

Terry is injured for today’s match and isn’t even at the ground. Several players are spotted making anxious phone calls home to their spouses during the half time interval…

On the pitch, Chelsea outmuscle us once more, putting a nasty dent in our Champions League aspirations.


Man United Away

Spurs race into a four goal half-time lead against the Champions thanks to a brace from Defoe, a wonder free kick from Bale and a delightful dink over Van Der Sar by little Luca. Man United are stunned and look down and out…

Man United duly proceed to score five after the break. The Bulgarian prima donna nets a hat-trick. Spurs are stunned and down and out…


Man City Away

Once again it’s a game of two halves with Man City going in at the break 2-0 to the good, accompanied by a rousing (if rather nasal) rendition of ‘Blue Moon’.

As City are the northern mirror image of Tottenham, the second half belongs to us, with Crouch leaping like a giraffe above his designated marker Shaun Wright-Phillips, to reduce the lead.

With seconds to go, an aimless long shot, cum pass from Michael Dawson hits a sky blue balloon released by a deliriously happy Mancunian. The ball changes direction, completely wrong-footing goalie Given. 47,000 people watch with baited breath as the ball rolls agonisingly across the line. The final whistle blows. The PA announcer hurriedly removes ‘Blue Moon’ from the CD player and smashes it to smithereens.


Bolton Home

Having swapped the unsophisticated former mill town of Burnley for the unsophisticated former mill town of Bolton, it’s onwards and sideways for Owen Coyle as he continues in his thankless quest to transform a bunch of bruisers into ballet dancers.

Travel sickness kicks in once more however and Defoe and Pav continue to do the business. England and Spurs very own ‘impact player’ Crouch comes on and scores a third to remind Fab why he should be allowed to travel to South Africa (to pick gift souvenirs off the high shelves for Jermaine and Wayne presumably).


Burnley Away

Squeaky bum time at Turf Moor and it’s got nothing to do with a dodgy lasagne this time round. A fanatical home crowd of just under 800, buoyed by 20,000 travelling Tottenham fans create a vibrant atmosphere.

Burnley need a win to stay up and Spurs require all three points to stand any chance of snatching that elusive Champions league spot. Just to ratchet up the tension that little bit further, Man City, Villa and Liverpool could all nick fourth spot, depending on results.

It’s nip and tuck in the first period with nerves shredded on both sides. Chances are few and far between; nobody wants to make a mistake and be lampooned on football blogs for the remainder of their lives, after all…

Anxious younger supporters check for updates on the other games via their iPhones, while older supporters rely on a well-worn old trannie. But that’s another story…

Half-time – Burnley 0 Spurs 0

Bad news spreads round Turf Moor like a contagion; Vila are 3-0 up against Blackburn and City are edging it against The Hammers. Even Liverpool are winning…

The second half gets underway, and Burnley come out of the traps quicker. A collective paralysis seems to have gripped the Spurs side and pass after pass goes astray. Even big Tom’s radar is wayward.

Then disaster strikes…

Chris Eagles gets the better of BAE down the flank and sends in a low hard drive to the near post. Ledley, back for a farewell cameo appearance before he joins up with the Olympic swimming squad, goes to clear but collapses in an anguished heap. The ball falls invitingly to Fletcher and he prods past a bewildered Gomes. Our keeper looks like he’s about to start crying, but then Gomes always looks like he’s about to start crying…

With just 10 minutes left on the clock, Harry makes the biggest call of his managerial career. Aaron Lennon hasn’t played a single minute of Premiership football since tearing his groin back in December. Now he’s pulling off his titchy tracky top in a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat (normally it’s the other way round as you all know).

All eyes are on our diminutive winger as he gets his first touch of the ball. Aaron collects the pass from Luca; his touch is deft and belies his lack of match sharpness.

Then a sight so magnificent it makes you want to cry; Lennon flapping those little arms and legs like a penguin on amphetamines, flashes past two Burnley players, a blur of white. He evades another desperate lunge and whips a teasing cross into the middle. Defoe meets it with a sweet right. The net bulges.


But Burnley aren’t finished yet and come back at us, fighting like crazy to preserve their Premiership status and posh houses in Alderly Edge. Chances go begging at either end but it looks like it’s going to end in stalemate; a result that will suit neither side.

The fourth official holds aloft the board indicating just two minutes of additional time. There’s only one option left – the aimless long ball up to Crouch. Gomes drop kicks high into the azure Lancastrian sky. Crouch meets it and flicks it on. Defoe wriggles between two defenders and finds himself free on goal.

With Capello watching, via a satellite feed in a comfy executive box at the Emirates, JD hits a vicious drive past the flailing arms of Jensen and into the net. There’s barely time to restart before the ref raises the whistle to his lips. The Burnley players sink to their knees, devastated at the prospect of a drop in wages and WAGS. Meanwhile, our players look to the bench to find out if it’s good enough.

Well would you Adam and Eve it? Villa have only gone and blown a three goal lead to draw, while West Ham have done us a neighbourly favour and beaten Man City. Liverpool meantime have somehow contrived to lose to Ian Dowie’s relegated Hull.

We just miss out on 16 points, but Spurs are in the Champions League!

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  1. Please stop spelling Gomes with a ‘z’ at the end. It makes you sound ignorant and like you don’t know what you are talking about… and particularly that you don’t go to games and see Spurs on a regular basis (which would make your opinion pretty pointless.) If you are going to write an article, rather than just post on a forum, please make it accurate.

  2. haha great read, this stuff gets me all jittery now i cant bloody wait…teehee arsenal got barca in CL, 9games to go an no st totteringhams day yet


  3. I went thru this a couple weeks ago and I Have us only getting 67 points inc a draw tomorrow.

    I dont think 67 will be enough for 4th place but on the plus side my predictions are usually wrong 🙂

  4. Saying ‘Gomez’ makes him sound like one of the Addams Family… I’d say 15 points would be a decent target, which still may not be enough. Sunderland away I think will be a lot harder than people think. I think we’ll take out Burnley tho.

  5. I differ from others. I think 65-67 points will be enough. Whether we’ll get it is another matter… 4th place points total in last few seasons: 72, 76, 68, 67, 61, 60, 67 – it is on average 67 points. I feel that the fact that 4 teams are chasing these places coupled with the fact that there are still 3 teams in the title race all will lower the points totals of 4th-7th places.

  6. I have us needing the full 15 points from Stoke, Portsmouth, Sunderland, Bolton & Burnley, plus 2 points from United, Arse, Chelsea & City……
    69 points should be enough for 4th.

  7. Nice read,all you needed to add was a murder,some romantic gesture,and you’d have had a best seller on your hands,I especially like the designated marker for Crouch being S,W,P.

  8. Oh,what a difference a season makes,as this time last year we were doing the exact same thing only in an attempt to avoid relegation.

  9. I want 2 points a game till the end which will give us 70 points and CL Footie, coupled with our 2010 FA Cup proudly in the cabinet…COYS

  10. Stoke 1 points, Portsmouth 3 points , Sunderland 3 points , Arsenal 1 point , Chelsea 0 points Man Utd 1 point , Bolton 3 points , Man City 3 points ,Burnley 3 points = 18 i hope i’m wrong and we get win vt either chelsea or arsenal

  11. I was on tender hooks reading through all that !!! Think it will pan out something like this tho – Stoke L (probably 1-0) Portsmouth – W, Sunderland – W, Arsenal – L, Chelsea – L, Man Utd – L, Bolton – D, Man C – W, Burnley – D — 11 points only – 63 points. Do we win a prize for the correct prediction ?

  12. Stoke, Pompey, Sunderland (7pts), Arsenal, Chelsea, Utd (2pts), City, Bolton, Burnley (7pts).. 4W, 4D, 1L, 16 Pts…. Not sure if that will be enough! And an FA Cup final to look forward too 🙂

  13. I think that spurs will get points as belows :

    Stoke ( away ) 3 points
    Portsmouth ( home ) 3 points
    sunderland ( away) 1 point
    Arsenal ( home ) 1 point
    Chelsea ( home ) 1 point
    Man U ( Away ) No point
    Bolton ( home ) 3 points
    Man city ( away ) 1 point
    Burnley ( away ) 3 points

    Totally 52 + (16 points) = 68 points as we need for 4th place .


  14. The statistical approach suggests 1.79 points per game = 16 points from 9 games. Which sits half way between the lowest and highest predictions here. That makes 68 points which sounds like more than enough to get 4th. However on current form (last 10 matches or so), I don’t think our points per game is that high.

  15. …I stand corrected! In the last 10 games, Spurs got 18 points! That’s 1.8 points per game! So on current form Spurs ARE good enough for 16 points. Just a few tough games to navigate. COYS!

  16. The smarter thing to do will be to look at the fixtures of the teams around us. Villa have the easiest run between now and the end of the season. I have my money on either them or City sneaking it.

      • We drop points against bottom 6 sides and top 3 sides. That’s all we seem to be playing at the tail end of this season. Sorry but overt optimism hurts our image as yids, i’ve addressed the balance.

  17. Its great to be optimistic, I have been for 45 years of watching at The Lane, but we now have lost Defoe for 3 weeks they say. We haven’t scored when he’s been out so I see nothing for it other than to sit and watch and hope. Also on this years ( and any other years ) results against the arse, chelski and rooney united why does anyone think we’ll even get a point?

  18. I figure we need 70 points to get 4th. How are your predictions (even if it was just for a larf) affected by Defoe being out since you have him scoring several goals in the next few weeks? COYS – still in our hands.

    • Clearly I’m rubbish at predictions – otherwise I would have known Defoe was going to be injured! Seriously though, this has been such a weird season all round anything could happen (apart from Pompey staying up of course)

  19. I went through this 3 weeks ago. I have us finishing on 66 points. Same as Liverpool and Villa. City on 65. We take 4th on goal difference! Didn’t factor Defoe injury though and how costly his penalty miss v Everton??

  20. great posts….

    For what its worth here is my two pennies….

    Stoke – 3pts (much as I love him Defoe’s injury may actually help us tomorrow because we’ll need the height of Crouch and Pav to defend – hope JD is back for the semi final though, poor kid always seems to miss Wembley with injuries or cup tied)
    Pompey – 3pts
    Sunderland – 1pts
    Arsenal – 3pts (lets face it we are long long overdue a win against them, now would be perfect)
    Chelsea – 1pt
    Man U – 0pts
    Bolton – 3pts
    Man City – 1pt
    Burnley – 3pts

    18pts – but I’m also not sure it will be enough sadly. I think City v Fulham this weekend is massive – we need a favour from the Cottagers. Man U to beat Liverpool and effectively push them out of contention. Villa will be in the mix until the end too. It really couldgo down to the final day but hopefully unlike the West Ham debacle this time we’ll have the health and mental strength to see it through.


  21. You’ll already be wrong by 5.00pm tomorrow when we’ll have beaten Stoke 2- 0 and will be on our way to 22 points out of 27. We’ll drop 4 points in our matches against the top 3 and win the rest. COYS!

  22. I think we need to go into the last 6 games (Ar5e, Chelski and Man Ure) with at least a 6 point lead over the 5th placed team to stand a chance of securing a top 4 finish this season! The ManC game is a 6 pointer! ManC and Liverpoo we are in control of, but Villa with the seemingly easier run in will be our main threat!

  23. the end of the season comes and miraculously Spurs finish 4th. However during an end of season audit the FA discover that Spurs actually have more Portsmouth players than Portsmouth do and they deduct 10 points after complaints by Liverpool. The transfer window opens and we lose Modric to Barcelona, Lennon and Defoe to Man U and Bale to Liverpool. Keane comes back but is loaned out for the season to another of his boyhood dream clubs in Crawley Town…….but we do manage to sign a few more Pompey players!!!!

  24. I’ve always valued the opinion of anyone who doesn’t even know which way round to write the scores down.

    Magic stuff.

    • I wrestled with the issue of how to write the scores down; rather than put home team scores first I thought it was easier to put our score first. Sorry if this confused you, but I would have thought the fact that I named the scorers woud have been a clue.

  25. Brilliantly funny and insightful, Paul. You’re a naturally gifted writer and should have a regular column in one of the broadsheets. Many thanks

    • Thanks Prakash,

      Those are very kind comments. If there are indeed any editors from the broadsheets reading this blog, please take note of this man – he knows what he’s talking about!

  26. We need 18 points at least and we aren’t going to get them – not with the squad decimated. How many players do we need to end up with 11 standing at the end of the season. What the hell do they do in training downat the Lane – war games.


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