It looks like it’s going to go down to the wire for that coveted fourth spot, and the margins between a Europa League place and mid-table mediocrity are also likely to be miniscule.

Finish fourth and the world will be, if not our oyster, then certainly Harrods. Finish seventh however and we’ll be loading our trolley in the football equivalent of Costcutters.

The prospect of playing in the Champions League is a huge incentive for any player. Agents will circle like flies round do do, at any club offering their client CLF. Obviously the better the players you can attract, the stronger the squad becomes. Fail to reach that Holy Grail and you get sloppy seconds. It’s a vicious circle, and the reason for the lengthy dominance of the ‘big four’.

It seems increasingly likely that cartel is about to be broken up however, with Villa, Man City and ourselves slugging it out. Whichever way the Champions League cookie crumbles, it’s going to prove a massive financial bonanza to the team that makes it over the line first. It would also spell meltdown for Liverpool, with both players and revenue disappearing faster than a Gangsta rapper in a gay bar. Mos def.

So, taking both an optimistic and pessimistic view, we’ve analysed just what this means in terms of recruitment for next season. It could be a barbecue summer or a damp squib…


Finish fourth and we get…

David Villa


Quick and explosive with great technique, Villa has a phenomenal strike rate for club and country. Unfazed by the big occasion, as evidenced by the fact he finished top scorer at Euro 2008 to help Spain finally overcome their tag as perennial underachievers.

Villa is so flattered by Harry’s assessment of him as being ‘triffic!’ the deadly Spanish striker signs on the spot, swapping the Plaza Ayuntamiento for the magnifico surroundings of Tottenham High Road. He won’t be disappointed…

Finish seventh and we get…

Carlton Cole


He’s big and um awkward.

Never has the term ‘from the sublime to the ridiculous’ been more apt than when applied to the West Ham forward. Perhaps the contradiction that is Carlton Cole is best summed up by his performance in the away game at Upton Park, Cole hit a technically brilliant volleyed goal – before laying on the perfect through ball for Defoe to equalise. Would fit in perfectly at the Lane…


Finish fourth and we get…

Yaya Toure


A commanding, physical presence, Toure combines strength with poise and is no slouch going forward either. Just the type of athletic midfield player Harry likes. Been there, seen it, done it with Barca.

As well as being an awesome defensive midfielder, he’d be worth snapping up just to see the look of horror on his bro’s moniker when he finds out. Imagine the hours of fun you could have making songs out of a name like that too?


Joe Cole


Superb technique and great vision. His maverick skills would go down a treat amongst Spurs fans who love a bit of chutzpah. Plenty of experience on the big stage both for club and country and a stalwart of Champions League nights which could prove invaluable to an inexperienced squad.

I know what you’re thinking; Chelsea cast off, but if anybody can revitalise his career it’s Harry. Was under his wing at West Ham and I can just see Redknapp now, cuddling him like a long-lost son at the press conference “The boy just needs an arm round him. He’s a top, top player. Triffic!” Could be a good move for both parties. And don’t believe Harry when he says he’s not interested…

Finish seventh and we get…

Nigel Reo-Coker

Combative – particularly with the gaffer.

Never quite made it at West Ham, never quite made it at Aston Villa. Hopes it’ll be third time lucky at WHL. Bought in as a replacement for Wilson Palacios who now has a permanent place on the bench at the Bernabeu.


Finish fourth and we get…



Combines blistering pace with superbly timed runs, Maicon has been dubbed ‘the best right back in the world’ for very good reasons. A fixture in the Brazilian side, defensively, he’s a rock. No premiership team would relish this guy steaming toward them. Not even Stoke.

Awesome, the only word to describe this mutha. Makes Palacios look like Twiggy in comparison.

Finish seventh and we get…

Matthew Upson


Decent positional sense. Generally calm under pressure. Used to a relegation scrap.

It’s the third point that sends the alarm bells ringing. If he’s that good, how comes he always ends up in relegated teams like Birmingham and soon to face the drop West Ham? Armageddon awaits my East End friends.



  1. we have no chance of getting any of those players but you are right that champions league opens the door to better plays. The most important thing is champions league means we will hold on to our best players. mordic, defoe, lennon, bale(if he keeps it up)


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