Hi Spurs fans!
Congratulations on Tottenham Hotspur becoming the latest member of The Big Four! As you will know, we are very rarely open to new members, but now that Liverpool haven’t got any money these days, we thought that Spurs would make a perfect replacement.
We’ve got no doubt that you’re very proud to finally be supporting one of the major teams, but you’re probably wondering… exactly what benefits can I expect now that Tottenham are a member of The Big Four?
Here’s the lowdown:
- Exclusive biased commentary in Spurs’ favour, whenever you’re playing a non-big four team. Marvel as the likes of Andy Gray, Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson take your club seriously, while Ian Darke might even learn to pronounce Aaron Lennon’s name properly. *
- Never again have to write the words ‘the big four’ in inverted commas, because you’re slightly nauseated by the mere concept of this separatist group. You are now actually a member of the big four! So get over your old prejudices and join in the fun!
- Ever felt slightly underwhelmed when Tottenham faced the likes of Arsenal and Chelsea? Sometimes those games could seem pretty dull and unimportant to you, we guess. Well no more, as these matches will now be part of Sky Sports’ Grand Slam Super Dooper Sunday! You’ve never known how important a game could be until it’s advertised on Sky approximately 437 times a day.
- Shops on Oxford Street selling random crap to foreign tourists will now be selling random Tottenham crap to foreign tourists.
- The ability to be patronising to supporters of non-big four teams, is now yours! Openly talk about which of their players you’d like to sign as if your club has got some sort of God-given right to cherry pick their stars – because as a big four member, that’s exactly what you’ve now got! **
- Finally, you get to play Champions League football! Hear that music in the flesh, that you’d only normally hear if you switch over from The One Show early enough. Experience the thrill of beating teams that are probably worse than Bolton, before getting absolutely dicked on by Barcelona.
We hope that you enjoy being a supporter of a big four club and make full use of your membership privileges.
See you next season!
From the EPL, Rupert Murdoch and all at Sky Sports
Terms and conditions:
Membership given on a temporary basis and subject to being completely blown out the water by Manchester City next season.
* Biased commentary not applicable against the other members of the big four AKA The Big Three.
** Tottenham will still be the subject of cherry picking chat from supporters of Manchester United and Chelsea and may well receive official bids for players from clubs that can guarantee non-qualification based Champions League football.